Christian Coaching - Handling Conflict Biblically
by
Michael Young
Conflict happens. It starts with the difficulty of
pulling the covers off and stepping out of bed. So far so good. You walk
the dog, send the kids off to school, settle into work, then something
happens. (You knew it would, right?)
Challenges can come from anywhere. A misplaced file causes a person to
miss a deadline. A salesperson (maybe even you!) promises more than your
business could deliver. A prospect finds a defect in one of your widgets
that needs replacing right away.
We all know that missed deadlines are going to occur in business.
problems that strain relations between you and your prospect. problems
that can cause resentment and mistrust to accumulate. Will this mean the
end of a once great relationship?
Not necessarily, when strains rise between you and a customer, it may be
time for a real conversation. It is time to clear the air and address
the problem that is causing trouble. But how do you keep a tough
conversation from becoming a full-scale argument that permanently
damages relations with your friend?
Here are 4 principles to get you through the hard talks that can make or
break your relationships. Interpersonal obstacles or your hot buttons as
they are called, are the emotional pointers set off by the words or
actions of others during arguments. You feel blocked during conflict
when you believe the other person's talk or actions as threatening to
your goals in some way. Common blockers include real or perceived
threats to your competence, worth, freedom, and sense of contribution.
Your hot buttons can mess you up in difficulty because they cause you to
misrepresent, shut down, castigate, or go off on the wrong trail. They
also launch a set of emotional responses that may lead to
intensification.
When you are exploding, your brain may experience what is said to be a
neural hijacking. The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an calamity
and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so fast that the conscious,
thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what is
happening.
So, you are slugging it out. While saying he sets me off suggests it is
the other persons duty to stop doing it, only you can deal with your own
triggers. Everyone's bait is a little different, so what prompts me may
not spark you. This is why blaming others for trapping you is not very
effective. You undermine productivity expecting them to change and do
the right thing, when only you can change your own responses.
How do you sidestep bait instead of engaging non-productive
conversation? Here are some effective principles for identifying,
recognizing and managing conflict sparks. Start with looking your
intentions. Keeping your calm and in control during argument is in a
large part dependent upon the examining effort you do when you are not
in difficult conversation.
Learn what triggers you and why you are pushed. Get down to the source.
A coach is an excellent resource to walk you through the process.
Ignoring your intentions is like building a house in sand. Educate
yourself conflict options. Once you are aware of. You probably would not
take Introduction to Astrophysics and then offer your services as an
guru. By putting into practice when the urgent problem comes, you will
be confident in your ability and access your good skills.
In the middle of the tension, stop. Assess your feelings, responses and
tone of voice. A red face, sweating, normally takes for your internal
flooding to subside.
Do not allow venting as a prevailing pattern. While it is a common
position that venting makes people feel better and promotes getting the
emotional buzz out of the way, research suggests that if you use this
method often, the opposite effect occurs. While it may feel good in the
moment, venting anger as your regular method may make you more angry and
push your body and brain into a elevated state of anxiety or rage.
God's Word tells us in Proverbs 26:4,5 says, the fool must be answered
but not in a foolish manner. Observation and review shows that anger is
a issue for every Christian. Sinful anger constitutes roughly 90 percent
of all counseling problems . While it is not wrong to act in anger since
the design of the emotion is to motivate. It is wrong if it is not used
properly. It must be used to honor God. After all, anger is a strong
force that God built into man for the purpose of moving him to
Scriptural action. Rage and anger are two distinct emotions. Anger is
appropriate in communication of feelings in reverberation to someones
behavior. Jesus got angry. Mark writes to us that Jesus addressed the
Pharisees in anger (3:5). John tells us of Jesus driving out the
moneychangers from the house of God (2:17). God, Himself is angry with
the wicked everyday (Psalm 7:11).
To call anger as wrong without qualification indicates a brash and
immature use of the Bible. Our emotional mix is from God. All of our
emotions when used according to scripture are blessed. Emotions become
sinful when we fail to express them in conformity with Biblical
limitations and structures. God's Word also teaches us to be angry AND
sin not! Righteous anger can become improper anger in two ways. By the
venting anger and by the internalizing anger. That is by blowing up and
clamming up. The God's way to handle anger is to direct it on the
problem not toward the person. Deal with it as soon as possible, and
restore the relationship. Putting the other before yourself.
About the Author
Michael Young is the Founder and President of TMR Coaching. He has helped others be successful in their business, life, and relationships.
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